Counseling....

This afternoon I have my first counseling appointment in several years. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a counselor. It might have been in graduate school, but it has been so long that things all start to blur together. It's a bad example to say this, but I guess I thought that since I have a Master's in Counseling that I could "fix myself" and it feels embarrassing to admit that I don't have my life together. Mix that with more typical reasons for not going to counseling, like not being ready to give ED up, financial reasons, and insurance not covering treatment and the odds are stacked against me.

I've always found counseling to be therapeutic, but I'd be lying if I told you that it has helped me let go of ED and learn to accept myself and my body the way God made me. Each time I have been in counseling, I was "pressured" into going by family. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that they encouraged me to go. I've learned a lot about myself and why I developed an eating disorder. I've learned coping skills to combat eating disordered thoughts. I've been challenged and pushed to conquer fear foods. But, in the end I've never learned how to accept myself how God made me and find my identity outside of ED. Ultimately, I know my identity is found in Christ, but knowing and believing are two totally different things. I still want to find my identity in ED; I still want to be the "thin one", the one with "self control", the "healthy eater", etc. For some reason, I don't feel like me minus ED is good enough. Megan alone doesn't stand out, she doesn't get noticed, there is nothing special about her. That is what keeps me holding on to ED. Even though I know there are plenty of things that make me unique and different from others, they just don't seem good enough.

This time, going to counseling was more of my choice. I say "more of my choice" because I still don't feel ready to completely let go. But, part of me is frustrated with all that ED is taking away from me. I am so stuck into rigid eating patterns and a rigid eating schedule that I avoid going out with friends, I avoid get-togethers that involve food, I'm extremely anxious at the thought of having to give up control of what, how, and when I eat, I chose to go to the gym to work out rather than spending time with friends (even ones that I don't get to see often). ED is so isolating and I'm tired of it! But at the same time I don't want to give up going to the gym or eating "safe foods" or having control. I don't feel ready to let go completely. It's so frustrating because it feels like I can't live with him, but I can't live without him.

And what is even more frustrating right now is that even though my thoughts and actions are heavily influenced by ED right now, I know my weight is the highest it has been in a long time. So, I'm not even getting the "positive" side of ED right now. Of course, there isn't anything positive about ED, but the eating disorder tells me that the benefit is being thin, being in control, being special, etc. And I don't feel like I have any of that right now. I still feel fat and hate my body (which when I was thin, I was able to recognize and see my thinness- it was a benefit of ED for me), I still feel out of control with the night eating, and I don't feel like I have anything special about me. No matter how hard I try, I feel like my weight won't budge. I work out harder, I eliminate foods, I restrict more during the day (which just makes me eat more in the night and feel more out of control), I try weight loss supplements, I even stopped taking a prescription medication (Lexapro) because I felt it was causing weight gain. But, nothing happens except I keep feeling like I have gained more weight. Sorry, I know that was ED talking.....

Anyway, the appointment was prompted by a visit with my doctor. I went in to talk about my skin breaking out and sleep issues. I hadn't been to the doctor in almost a year. I had previously gone to get help weaning myself off of laxatives and for sleep problems. That time, she ended up asking me about my mood and prescribing me Lexapro (after trying Prozac, which made things WAY worse) for mood and sleep. She suggested counseling then, but at that time my insurance would not cover it and I just could not afford it. So, this time when I told her that I was still having trouble sleeping and that my biggest frustration with waking up in the middle of the night is that I end up eating, she told me she was really concerned. This time, she didn't just suggest counseling, but almost made it mandatory. Of course, I know it is my choice. I could have not made the call and scheduled the appointment and in fact it took me almost 2 weeks to make that call. But, I did. And today is the day.

I'm kind of nervous and kind of relieved. I'm a little apathetic and don't really know if I feel hopeful about it. Like I said, it has not helped me before. It hasn't help me change my core beliefs about myself, which ultimately is the source of my problem. But, if I don't go I have even less of a chance to get better. So, I go....

Vulnerability...

Vulnerability- 

The state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are. It might be emotional, like admitting that you're in love with someone who might only like you as a friend, or it can be literal, like the vulnerability of a soccer goal that's unprotected by any defensive players. 

To be vulnerable, open, honest, or real is something that I think many people have a hard time with, especially in the area I grew up in and live (the south). Southern culture teaches us to act like life is as "sweet as sipping sweet tea while sitting in a rocking chair on our front porch", even if life is far from being "sweet". After all, no one wants to hear about your problems anyway. But, for me and for many people who have struggled with ED, it is even more difficult. Heck, we even have trouble being true with ourselves. To be open to judgement is a HUGE fear for most of us. 

Through my journey of recovery I have had a lot of people along side me- my parents, family, friends, friends of family, etc. They all know about my struggle with ED. And while they may not know what I am dealing with day to day or even in the last couple of months, they all know I have an eating disorder. But, since coming back from treatment I have made a lot of new friends and met a lot of new people. And it has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to open with them about my eating disorder. In fact, I can count on one had how many "new" friends (people I've met since coming back from Remuda) that I have told about ED. One, because it is super awkward to be like, "Hi, my name is Megan and I have an eating disorder". Two, because I'm afraid people will either freak out and "watch me like a hawk" (ED's are very secretive disorders) or not believe me because I'm not "thin enough". And three, because I had a bad experience when I told a former co-worker about my struggle. Basically, I told her about ED, not as a cry for help, but because I felt that I could trust her. I felt like by not telling her, I was hiding part of myself. So, I told her in confidence (or so I thought), thinking that she would not tell anyone (or would at least tell me if she felt like she needed to tell someone). But, that is not what she did. She told a good majority of our co-workers (and I'm sure the rest found out pretty soon), including one of our managers in a communal office (with other departments) about it without me knowing she had done so. It was only until MONTHS later when another co-worker and I were talking that I found out what had happened. I have a WHOLE LOT of issues surrounding this situation, not only because she betrayed my trust, but because I feel it affected my manager's opinion of me. I felt she was harder on me and I wasn't the only person who agreed with that. In November of 2012 I was laid off from this job and I feel like my managers and possibly bosses knowing this had a great influence as to why they chose me over other employees. But, I won't go down that bunny trail any further as it still gets me all worked up. So yes, after all this, it has been even harder for me to open up about my struggles.

But, it has come to a point where I cannot hide it any longer. I've been struggling with being open about ED for years now. I'd go back and forth during bible studies and home groups and other settings where it would be appropriate to share and "chickened out" every time. ED kept telling me, "Don't tell anyone. They will just want to take me away from you. I'm all you need. I'll give you a sense of identity- you'll be thin, you'll be successful, you'll be powerful. You want all of those things right?" I think another BIG FEAR behind opening up is that I feel like a failure. A failure at ED, a failure at recovery from ED, but also a failure at the goals I set for myself since he came into my life. I'll explain all of this in another post because it's a long story. But, long story short- I have a BS in Psychology with a minor in health and human services and a MA in Clinical Counseling. So, automatically I feel like I should have my life together. And, in a way I set myself up for all this. I just planned that by the time I was done with school, I would be "all better" and I would go into my career and start helping others recover from ED's as well. Needless to say, I wasn't there (and still am not there), so opening up about my struggles is basically letting everyone know that I failed. So, what made me decide to finally expose myself, you ask? 

Several things recently have prompted all of this, but the turning point was a piece I saw on the Today Show about a girl that documented her process of recovery in pictures on Instagram and through a blog. She posted pictures of herself during all stages of recovery, from when she was at her lowest weight, to her bloated belly after eating a meal, to her body at a healthy weight. That was truly inspiring to me! Now, back when I was at my thinnest or even times since then that I have lost a good bit of weight, I had no shame in posting a picture of myself on social media. But, posting pictures of a bloated belly or after gaining weight is TERRIFYING to me! She is so brave for doing that. So, I thought, if she can be that vulnerable by exposing not only her struggle in words, but also through pictures, that I could certainly be open by sharing this part of my life. This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, but ED has been telling me otherwise. In fact, it is a dream of mine to write a book (been working on this for a LONG time) one day about my struggle and promote awareness and prevention for eating disorders with others. So, today I've decided not to let ED take that away from me anymore!!! 

Hi and welcome to "Becoming a Pearl". My name is Megan and this is a blog about my journey through a 11 year battle with an eating disorder (ED) and my journey through recovery. But, I'll start off by explaining the meaning behind the title of this blog, because it has a more significant meaning than just transforming into a thing of beauty. 

Like I said, my name is Megan. I'm a pretty sentimental person. I enjoy finding deep meanings behind things, reminiscing, and I have a bad habit of keeping random unnecessary items just because I have an emotional tie to them. :-) I've also read that the meaning of ones name can say a lot about them. So naturally, I had to know what my name means. What I found is that the name "Megan" means "pearl". At first, I didn't think too much about it, but the more I pondered what a pearl is and how it is formed, the cooler it became to me. I also started to realize how it really did say a lot about my life and who I want to become. See, a pearl is formed in an oyster or mollusk basically by accident. This has a pretty neat tie into my life as well, but I will explain later. As the oyster or mollusk eats, a grain of sand or parasite lodges itself into the body of the oyster/mollusk. This causes a great deal of pain for the host. Since the oyster is unable to get rid of the grain of sand or parasite, it creates a crystalline structure around the intruder to protect itself, essentially a coping mechanism. It continues to put layer upon layer of the crystalline substance around the host until the pearl is extracted from the oyster. Basically, the pearl is created by accident and even though it causes a great deal of pain to its host, it creates something of great beauty, a prized possession around the world.

So, I told you I would explain why the fact that the oyster is created on "accident" has an interesting tie into my life. Well, I am the youngest of 3 and by youngest, I mean youngest by A LOT! Both of my brothers were in high school when I was born and my parents (to my knowledge) were not trying to get pregnant or have another child. Some people might call me an "Oops Baby", but my parents (especially my mom) say I was a "pleasant surprise". 

The story behind how the pearl forms, brings to mind the verse in Isaiah 61:3 that talks about "beauty from ashes". My life has by no means been super hard or filled with loss, trauma, abuse, etc. But, I have had my share of problems, difficulties, disappointments, set backs, and the like. Most of my problems have appeared to be seemingly small (kind of like a grain of sand), but have caused a great deal of pain (to me) being that I have a very sensitive personality. However, I am also a generally positive person and try to find the good in everything. It has been through some of my darkest moments that I have learned and grown the most. And through the pain, through the ashes, I hope and believe that one day a thing of beauty will emerge. 

And like I mentioned earlier, this blog is also a story of my journey through recovery from an ED. This ED has been a source of pain in my life, but it has given me a drive and a passion to help others who suffer from this horrible disease. 

So, that's the meaning behind "Becoming a Pearl". I hope you enjoy!