Vulnerability...

Vulnerability- 

The state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are. It might be emotional, like admitting that you're in love with someone who might only like you as a friend, or it can be literal, like the vulnerability of a soccer goal that's unprotected by any defensive players. 

To be vulnerable, open, honest, or real is something that I think many people have a hard time with, especially in the area I grew up in and live (the south). Southern culture teaches us to act like life is as "sweet as sipping sweet tea while sitting in a rocking chair on our front porch", even if life is far from being "sweet". After all, no one wants to hear about your problems anyway. But, for me and for many people who have struggled with ED, it is even more difficult. Heck, we even have trouble being true with ourselves. To be open to judgement is a HUGE fear for most of us. 

Through my journey of recovery I have had a lot of people along side me- my parents, family, friends, friends of family, etc. They all know about my struggle with ED. And while they may not know what I am dealing with day to day or even in the last couple of months, they all know I have an eating disorder. But, since coming back from treatment I have made a lot of new friends and met a lot of new people. And it has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to open with them about my eating disorder. In fact, I can count on one had how many "new" friends (people I've met since coming back from Remuda) that I have told about ED. One, because it is super awkward to be like, "Hi, my name is Megan and I have an eating disorder". Two, because I'm afraid people will either freak out and "watch me like a hawk" (ED's are very secretive disorders) or not believe me because I'm not "thin enough". And three, because I had a bad experience when I told a former co-worker about my struggle. Basically, I told her about ED, not as a cry for help, but because I felt that I could trust her. I felt like by not telling her, I was hiding part of myself. So, I told her in confidence (or so I thought), thinking that she would not tell anyone (or would at least tell me if she felt like she needed to tell someone). But, that is not what she did. She told a good majority of our co-workers (and I'm sure the rest found out pretty soon), including one of our managers in a communal office (with other departments) about it without me knowing she had done so. It was only until MONTHS later when another co-worker and I were talking that I found out what had happened. I have a WHOLE LOT of issues surrounding this situation, not only because she betrayed my trust, but because I feel it affected my manager's opinion of me. I felt she was harder on me and I wasn't the only person who agreed with that. In November of 2012 I was laid off from this job and I feel like my managers and possibly bosses knowing this had a great influence as to why they chose me over other employees. But, I won't go down that bunny trail any further as it still gets me all worked up. So yes, after all this, it has been even harder for me to open up about my struggles.

But, it has come to a point where I cannot hide it any longer. I've been struggling with being open about ED for years now. I'd go back and forth during bible studies and home groups and other settings where it would be appropriate to share and "chickened out" every time. ED kept telling me, "Don't tell anyone. They will just want to take me away from you. I'm all you need. I'll give you a sense of identity- you'll be thin, you'll be successful, you'll be powerful. You want all of those things right?" I think another BIG FEAR behind opening up is that I feel like a failure. A failure at ED, a failure at recovery from ED, but also a failure at the goals I set for myself since he came into my life. I'll explain all of this in another post because it's a long story. But, long story short- I have a BS in Psychology with a minor in health and human services and a MA in Clinical Counseling. So, automatically I feel like I should have my life together. And, in a way I set myself up for all this. I just planned that by the time I was done with school, I would be "all better" and I would go into my career and start helping others recover from ED's as well. Needless to say, I wasn't there (and still am not there), so opening up about my struggles is basically letting everyone know that I failed. So, what made me decide to finally expose myself, you ask? 

Several things recently have prompted all of this, but the turning point was a piece I saw on the Today Show about a girl that documented her process of recovery in pictures on Instagram and through a blog. She posted pictures of herself during all stages of recovery, from when she was at her lowest weight, to her bloated belly after eating a meal, to her body at a healthy weight. That was truly inspiring to me! Now, back when I was at my thinnest or even times since then that I have lost a good bit of weight, I had no shame in posting a picture of myself on social media. But, posting pictures of a bloated belly or after gaining weight is TERRIFYING to me! She is so brave for doing that. So, I thought, if she can be that vulnerable by exposing not only her struggle in words, but also through pictures, that I could certainly be open by sharing this part of my life. This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, but ED has been telling me otherwise. In fact, it is a dream of mine to write a book (been working on this for a LONG time) one day about my struggle and promote awareness and prevention for eating disorders with others. So, today I've decided not to let ED take that away from me anymore!!!