Counseling....

This afternoon I have my first counseling appointment in several years. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a counselor. It might have been in graduate school, but it has been so long that things all start to blur together. It's a bad example to say this, but I guess I thought that since I have a Master's in Counseling that I could "fix myself" and it feels embarrassing to admit that I don't have my life together. Mix that with more typical reasons for not going to counseling, like not being ready to give ED up, financial reasons, and insurance not covering treatment and the odds are stacked against me.

I've always found counseling to be therapeutic, but I'd be lying if I told you that it has helped me let go of ED and learn to accept myself and my body the way God made me. Each time I have been in counseling, I was "pressured" into going by family. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that they encouraged me to go. I've learned a lot about myself and why I developed an eating disorder. I've learned coping skills to combat eating disordered thoughts. I've been challenged and pushed to conquer fear foods. But, in the end I've never learned how to accept myself how God made me and find my identity outside of ED. Ultimately, I know my identity is found in Christ, but knowing and believing are two totally different things. I still want to find my identity in ED; I still want to be the "thin one", the one with "self control", the "healthy eater", etc. For some reason, I don't feel like me minus ED is good enough. Megan alone doesn't stand out, she doesn't get noticed, there is nothing special about her. That is what keeps me holding on to ED. Even though I know there are plenty of things that make me unique and different from others, they just don't seem good enough.

This time, going to counseling was more of my choice. I say "more of my choice" because I still don't feel ready to completely let go. But, part of me is frustrated with all that ED is taking away from me. I am so stuck into rigid eating patterns and a rigid eating schedule that I avoid going out with friends, I avoid get-togethers that involve food, I'm extremely anxious at the thought of having to give up control of what, how, and when I eat, I chose to go to the gym to work out rather than spending time with friends (even ones that I don't get to see often). ED is so isolating and I'm tired of it! But at the same time I don't want to give up going to the gym or eating "safe foods" or having control. I don't feel ready to let go completely. It's so frustrating because it feels like I can't live with him, but I can't live without him.

And what is even more frustrating right now is that even though my thoughts and actions are heavily influenced by ED right now, I know my weight is the highest it has been in a long time. So, I'm not even getting the "positive" side of ED right now. Of course, there isn't anything positive about ED, but the eating disorder tells me that the benefit is being thin, being in control, being special, etc. And I don't feel like I have any of that right now. I still feel fat and hate my body (which when I was thin, I was able to recognize and see my thinness- it was a benefit of ED for me), I still feel out of control with the night eating, and I don't feel like I have anything special about me. No matter how hard I try, I feel like my weight won't budge. I work out harder, I eliminate foods, I restrict more during the day (which just makes me eat more in the night and feel more out of control), I try weight loss supplements, I even stopped taking a prescription medication (Lexapro) because I felt it was causing weight gain. But, nothing happens except I keep feeling like I have gained more weight. Sorry, I know that was ED talking.....

Anyway, the appointment was prompted by a visit with my doctor. I went in to talk about my skin breaking out and sleep issues. I hadn't been to the doctor in almost a year. I had previously gone to get help weaning myself off of laxatives and for sleep problems. That time, she ended up asking me about my mood and prescribing me Lexapro (after trying Prozac, which made things WAY worse) for mood and sleep. She suggested counseling then, but at that time my insurance would not cover it and I just could not afford it. So, this time when I told her that I was still having trouble sleeping and that my biggest frustration with waking up in the middle of the night is that I end up eating, she told me she was really concerned. This time, she didn't just suggest counseling, but almost made it mandatory. Of course, I know it is my choice. I could have not made the call and scheduled the appointment and in fact it took me almost 2 weeks to make that call. But, I did. And today is the day.

I'm kind of nervous and kind of relieved. I'm a little apathetic and don't really know if I feel hopeful about it. Like I said, it has not helped me before. It hasn't help me change my core beliefs about myself, which ultimately is the source of my problem. But, if I don't go I have even less of a chance to get better. So, I go....